Our Crippled Disguises
by eden alice
Summary: On a Christmas eve party an unlikely couple share some secrets. Contains mentions of Carla/Peter and Gary/Izzy


_Just wanted to say this was written very quickly last night and I've had no time to check so it is not my best work but I needed to do a scene between this two. I think there is a lot between what they don't say. Please let me know what you think._

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><p>Our Crippled Disguises<p>

The improvised party in the Rovers was just too full of Christmas cheer and raucous behaviour for Carla. She felt suffocated by all the smiles and laughter and the few glasses of wine she had drank only seemed to make her more susceptible to startle at every unexpected loud noise. She wouldn't have felt comfortable going to the pub by herself but Michelle had insisted. Carla had not been sure whose benefit it was for.

Michelle was still missing Ciaran and was upset that Ryan was off visiting friends for the festive holiday. Her former sister in law had not said much, probably not wanting to upset her. But Carla knew her well enough even if she hated the way those closest to her treated her as if she was fragile. Ignoring the subject was as much as a reminder as the regular updates on the upcoming court case. Even though she had felt oddly apprehensive she had agreed to go and keep her friend company.

Still she relished the new closeness with Michelle even if there had to be so much tragedy for them to come to an understanding. After losing most of their family it seemed only right that their friendship would become stronger. Mostly Carla appreciated not being alone in a flat that may as well be haunted.

It had been a mistake to agree, she should have realised when she had woken from her broken sleep chocking on a scream. The type of day that made her wanted to hide away in the warm, watching old films and forget that tomorrow it would be Christmas. She had felt on edge as soon as she entered the pub, having to shake off a drunken Julie and Sean who tried their best to convince their employers to join them before she pulled Michelle away to a quieter corner of the pub.

The almost empty bottle of wine in front of her seemed ambiguous rather than the enemy. She was drinking socially with a friend rather than trying to mask her pain and yet she felt guilty.

Peter was not present and even though her eyes automatically swept the room for him as soon as she entered part of her was glad. Glad to not have to face that look on his face if he was disappointed. Glad to not have to keep her distance while he was with his family. And as Michelle stumbled off to the toilet leaving her alone to roll the stem of an empty wine glass between her hands she was struck she barely recognised herself anymore.

With the constant throbbing of a headache pushing at her temples she was overwhelmed by the emptiness she felt inside. Without Peter there making her feel safe and secure and grounded it was as if the rest of the world was pushing down on her. She couldn't breathe and a mixture of panic and alcohol darkened the edge of her vision. Without him she did not understand her drinking problem, she did not understand how she would cope with the upcoming battle and she could not quiet convince herself that what had been done to her had not been her fault.

With every breath sticking in her chest she suddenly felt compelled to get outside. No one seemed to notice as she slipped past the crowds in search of air and for that she was thankful.

There were sad looking fairy lights curled around the fence by the smoking area and Carla was thankful for the gentle illumination. She bent forward for a moment placing her hands on her knees as she fought to regain control of her breathing.

She straightened and closed her eyes at the winter chill. She remembered there had been excitement inside at the chance of snow. She was just grateful to have the music and laughter from inside muffled and just far enough away that she could pull herself together without becoming frightened of being in the dark alone.

It frightened her, how Peter had as much power over her as Frank did. And while she honestly trusted him her trust was not as whole as it used to be. She had not seen or heard from him all day and she could not help but worry that he would break his promise again and she would not see him tomorrow. Could not help but think she might be too damaged and a future with her too uncertain. For all her bravo she was still trying to claw back her life most days. She did not know if she could cope without him when he made himself such a fixture in her life.

She visibly jumped when a figure stepped out of the door behind her, her heart hammering in her chest.

"Sorry," Garry stepped into the light so that she could see him clearly, his posture relaxed and unthreatening if a little sad, his eyes apologetic but not intruding.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked and after a moment of consideration she shook her head.

They settled against the wall an acceptable distance apart, folded armed and unintentionally mirroring each other.

"Had enough of the party?" She asked softly, turning her head so she could study the young mans profile. The shadows played across his face and made him seem older than his years.

"It's all a bit too filled with season cheer," He chuckled a little and turned to face her. "What about you?"

It should have only been a polite enquiry but there was something in his face that made her consider for a moment and answer honestly.

"Oh well can't say I've felt much reason to be cheerful over the last few months." She keeps her tone superficially humorous with a familiar sarcasm curling around the edges like frostbite.

Garry does not flinch at the reminder of her latest trauma like Doctor Cater of her staff often did. Nor did he apologise for making her think about it and she wondered if it was because he understood that she was always thinking about it.

She did not know him well; in fact they had probably shared a few words on the amount of occasions that she could count on one hand, even though he had briefly worked for her. But as always the gossip had reached her ears. She thought that she might respect his quiet understanding.

"Who is that bloke with Izzy?" She asked and from the way his shoulders sagged she knew she had been right about his reason for retreat.

"Nobody," He answered quickly before swallowing heavily and kicking the dirt at his feet. "But he is someone to her and that's the problem."

Carla remembered the way Izzy had been at work after her break up with Garry, how she had been when they were together. Truthfully she had spent most of the time being too self involved to really pay attention to the people around her. But now she could recall the days Izzy's eyes had been puffy from tears or that she had been overly antagonistic.

"He is a friend. He is safe. You are someone to her, that's why it hurt her so much."

He looked a little overwhelmed at her words his face softening with guilt.

"I never wanted to hurt her. All I wanted was to protect her." His voice shook a little and Carla could not help but notice how expressive his eyes were. She saw every troubled emotion even as he tried to contain himself and she wondered if it had always been there for the world to see.

"She knows," She assured him. Placing her shaking hands in her coat pockets as she thought about how trust could be violently wrecked in one evil act and how it felt almost impossible to piece it back together again. "But protecting is different from possessing. She needs time to work through this before she can come back to you."

"Guess I'm just scared that she will move on and work out she can do better." He frowned a little at his own sentimentality.

"She misses you," Carla told him with certainty. She understood that aching awkwardness when she saw her employee around her ex. "She has to work through this at her own pace. She wouldn't be trying so hard if she didn't love you."

Garry turned his head as he blinked back tears, the fairy lights painting his cheek in little flashing patterns of amber as he processed the words. As he processed hope.

"You sound like my therapist." He said cheekily, masking the way emotion made his voice thick.

Carla barked a short laugh in return. "With the amount of counselling I've had lately its good to know that I've taken some of it in." She leant the side of her head against the wall, feeling the way her hair stuck to the brickwork and smiled warmly at him.

It felt daringly normal to talk openly with someone who in their own way was damaged enough to understand on some level.

"Does it help?" Garry asked smiling softly back at her.

"A little I guess. On the good days I think it will get me through this." She had not even shared this information with Peter or Michelle but somehow, tucked away from the party she felt untouchable. She felt the need to share.

"And on the bad days…" He trailed off letting her finish his sentence.

"On the bad days it's like you can't even see a future." She was grateful for all the support, all the people that had come through for her and had so far saved her from drowning on every bad day.

"Look I might not be able to comprehend what that bastard did to you." He spat the words and she wants to share his anger and his certainty. "But I know what its like to feel alone. How suddenly your right back there and so scared. I know how hard it can be to sleep through the night." Garry shifted uncomfortably as he spoke but his eyes blazed with honestly.

Her own eyes blurred with tears and she could not stop a few as they ran down her cheeks. The way she saw herself reflected back in his pain was as overwhelming as it was comforting. The relief almost made her legs buckled from under her.

"And it does get better." He nodded with certainty. As understated as ever and yet she believed him.

"It has to." She chocked back and they exchanged another ghost of a smile.

The quietness between them was comfortable as they gazed out into the night. It was late, almost midnight and almost Christmas day and maybe the day would be a little less terrifying if they started it together.

The sharp sound of heels interrupted the peace. Carla heard Michelle call her name as she drew closer.

Quickly she wiped any evidence of her tears away just as her friend appeared.

"There you are. I've been looking all over." Michelle quickly linked arms with Carla. Pulling the other woman close to her side and kissing her cheek before shooting Garry a weary glance.

"I was worried about you. Everyone is leaving. Ready to go back inside?" She asked.

Carla shared a last look with Garry. Knowing he understood as her nodded in response.

"Yeah," She said "Lets go in."


End file.
